Chapter 4
I had a dream. I dreamed of several years ago, when Lucas was still undercover. One Christmas Eve, I went to see him. We passed through the crowds, but could only see each other from behind the cover of newspapers. He had his hands in his pockets, leaning against the railing as if boneless. Lucas was handsome; even a slight curl of his lips was both cool and bad, attracting glances from the girls nearby. Right in front of me, he whistled at those two girls. I kicked his foot. He yelped, then called to me in a low voice. “Babe, I have to play the part fully, you know.” He had already started to take on the air of the underworld, but his eyes remained clear. As the sound of Christmas carols drifted by, he tilted his head back, his words tinged with teasing. “Three years, then another three years, then another three years.” That was a line from the movie “Infernal Affairs”, our favorite cop and gangster film. He turned his head, our eyes meeting through the reflection in the glass. “When will I be able to marry you?” … I put down the newspaper and brushed past him. “When the mission is over, I’ll be waiting for you to marry me.” … The mission was over, but I didn’t get to wait for him to marry me. The next morning when I woke up, the space beside me was empty, no one there. Of course, I knew he hated me and didn’t want to stay in the same bed with me. But when I went downstairs and couldn’t find him anywhere, I panicked. I searched every corner of the house, but couldn’t find him. I called my friends, my hand shaking as I held the phone. But he was nowhere to be found. I hugged my head and crouched down. Lately, I often got headaches when I thought too hard about things. The increasingly throbbing head made my vision swim, but the anxiety of not finding him was the real torture. I frantically typed out messages, even thinking of asking my former colleagues at the bureau to help me search. My wildly beating heart grew hotter and hotter, until a pair of white shoes appeared in front of me. “What are you doing?” A steady voice, still cold and indifferent. Lucas wasn’t Lucas anymore, yet Lucas was still Lucas. But the man standing before me with an indifferent expression could no longer be reconciled with the boy in my memories. I stood up and hugged him. I don’t know why, but I really liked hugging him. It was as if I could leave my warmth on his body this way, even though he never hugged me back. “I thought you left, Lucas.” He stepped back, subtly pushing me away. “I just went to water the flowers.” “…” I smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “What do you want for dinner? I’ll cook…” “Stop pretending. You don’t even let me go out.” He cut me off, picked up a book from the dining table, and went upstairs. I didn’t let Lucas go out because I was afraid he might be targeted by remnants of the drug organization he had infiltrated. But the more I did this, the more he became like a white dove trapped in a cage. The more he hated me.