Longing for a Heart That's Not Mine to Hold

Chapter 1 Into the Chaos I had been with the gang leader, Blake Sullivan, for a decade.

The day he left the underworld, his men took someone else as his girlfriend.

He used the same hands, which had once held weapons and harmed people, to help her into a pair of shoes.

“Zoey, she’s different from you. You can be in this mess with me without a title, but that’s not the case for her.”

I walked on without looking back that day.

Blake wasn’t aware, but my family knew I hadn’t been thinking straight. As such, they had arranged for a good man so that I could marry him.

The day Blake decided to wash his hands of the underworld, we had sex for the entire night.

I stared at the bra that had been shredded into pieces, and I was speechless.

“Blake, is the world ending or something?”

The thirst in his eyes almost convinced me we wouldn’t live to see tomorrow.

After a passionate night, he lit a cigarette.

His eyes were half-closed, lost in a haze of smoke and satisfaction.

“Zoey, if I cut things off with you, you won’t go off the rails and threaten to die, right?”

The way he bit down on his cigarette made it sound like a joke, but every word froze me to the bone.

I had known Blake for ten years, so I knew him better than anyone. He liked obedient women who also had a rebellious streak.

Just like now, I took the remaining half of the cigarette from his fingers. I held back the emotions welling up in me and arched an eyebrow lazily.

“Blake, do you still see me as that 18-year-old young lady?”

If Blake had walked away from me when I was still that 18-year-old young lady in sneakers, I would have stormed into his turf without hesitation like my life didn’t matter.

However, I was 28 now.

I choked up, and the rest of the words were caught in my throat.

Blake came close, ruffled my hair, and stubbed out the cigarette that nearly burned his fingers.

“Zoey, let’s just end it here. We should quit smoking. We shouldn’t treat our bodies like they’re disposable. We’re not kids anymore, and we can’t keep living like this.”

At that moment, I was completely stunned.

Breaking up at 28…

The first one to cry would lose everything.

My makeup was smudged, and I looked miserable.

I forced a casual smile, reached under the bed for my jacket, and turned to leave.

However, Blake hooked his long arm around me, pulling me straight back into his embrace.

Outside, the clouds were thick and dark, and rain was pouring.

The storm was about to break.

Blake kissed my back, then adjusted my dress strap like it was second nature to him.

Then, like he used to, he nipped gently at my earlobe and murmured, “Got it?”

I didn’t answer, but he didn’t press further.

He spoke like he had full control over me. “It’s going to rain soon. Just stay a little longer, yeah?”

We had spent a decade smoothing things over until it seemed like everything was fine.

Blake must have forgotten that my temper was never an act. When I cut someone off, I cut clean.

I straightened my back and pushed his good-looking face away. Then I gave him a faint smile. “How long do you think this rain will last?”

If there was already someone else in his heart, how long did he think he could keep me around?

For a split second, Blake’s brow twitched, but he pulled himself together in an instant.

He just briefly introduced that woman. “Zoey, you’re not dumb. Her name’s Lily Hawkins, and she’s different from you. You can be in this mess with me without a title, but that’s not the case for her. She’s just way too innocent.”

I swallowed hard. I looked down at the mess around me and suddenly didn’t know how to respond.

What the hell did he mean by I could stay without a title?

Pantyhose, stilettos, and slip dresses. For years, Blake dressed me in clothes that suited his taste.

Now that I had gotten used to being the sultry woman, he suddenly found it cheap.

At that moment, I wanted to ask him why, but he pressed a finger to his lips, signaling me to stay quiet.

It was a call from that woman, Lily.

“Blake, didn’t you say you were coming to pick me up? I’m by myself, and I’m really scared…”

Chapter 2 Giving up the Old Business Blake left me.

The sound of the engine roared in the underground garage, and a message popped up on my phone.

“I’ll be gone for a while. I’ll have someone change the locks in two weeks, so pack up your things.”

I didn’t reply to his message.

Instead, I quietly walked through the house, erasing my presence of five years without a word.

After a long while, my phone lit up again.

Blake had probably already met up with Lily, that woman who couldn’t stop trembling with fear.

He was probably giving our ten-year relationship the kind of graceful ending people would feel good about.

“Call me if you need anything. I just can’t give you the kind of relationship you want, but we’re still friends.”

I had loved Blake for ten years, but all I got in return was a casual, throwaway line—we were still friends.

…

That downpour lasted for two days.

Grayford was soaked through. It was the kind of dampness that sank straight into your bones.

I couldn’t sleep at all. I kept getting up in the middle of the night, flicking my lighter just to feel something.

Back when I first met Blake, he had been a broke thug who could only afford to stay in a semi-basement place.

In the damp, heavy air, the only light came from the flicker of my lighter.

I kept flicking the lighter. The flame flared up, then died down.

Blake, who had a buzz cut, stood there and stared at me, who was in my school uniform.

“Think it through, Zoey. I’m not the kind of guy who’s going anywhere. I can’t give you the future you want.”

Oh God. I was so naive back then.

I took off my rain-soaked canvas sneakers and shoved my freezing feet right into his chest.

I could feel his warmth through the thin fabric of his tank top. Blake’s body felt like a blazing torch, heating me up slowly.

There was nothing but the tiny flame of the lighter between us.

Even so, I nodded. “Blake, I don’t care about the future. I just need you.”

We had held guns and knives together, and we had spent nights in the stink of blood, gauze, and disinfectant.

There were times he had choked me until I passed out and came to, again and again.

He used to say that if he finally walked away from that life, the first thing he would do was to make me his wife.

And now, he was giving up his old business.

The first thing he did was to cut me off instead of marrying me like he had promised.

I was 28, and I was too old to keep messing around like I was still 18.

My family had already picked a good man for me to marry.

Chapter 3 Once I had made up my mind to leave Grayford.

Holding the keys to the villa, I went back to Blake’s place one last time.

She wore no makeup, wearing only a plain white shirt, denim jeans, and canvas sneakers.

When I walked in, most people didn’t even recognize me.

The moment I took off my cap, the crowd that used to call me “Mrs. Sullivan” with all the flattery in the world suddenly went quiet.

Everyone knew Blake had moved on. One of them, who was close to me, teased, “Zoey, out of all the women who’ve hung around Blake, I still think you’re the best match for him.

“She looks like a college student. Walking around with her? It’s embarrassing.

“Why don’t you talk to Blake? You know he always listened to—”

I let out a bitter laugh.

Blake and I had been together for a decade.

I had that innocent look, but I would look striking with just a little makeup.

A lot of people had their eyes on me, but the only one who had ever stood up for me was Blake.

If someone dared to lay a finger on me, Blake would make sure they paid for it. If I ever cried, he would drop everything just to be my side.

It used to be a privilege that belonged to me alone.

This time, though, no one even got to finish a sentence.

A ceramic cup flew past my face and slammed against the wall, breaking into two pieces.

Blake’s face was dark with rage. “This isn’t Zoey’s turf now, is it? Is this what happens the second I’m gone? This is how you guard what I’ve told you to protect?”

Dead silence filled the entire place at once.

That was how powerful Blake was. However, that power—once used to protect me—was being used against me now.

I wanted to explain to him, but before I could even speak, that woman behind him poked her head out.

Pretending to be surprised, she asked, “Blake, is this the Zoey you told me about? Wow, she’s even dressed just like me.”

Blake pressed a hand to his brow, looking at the outfit I wore.

Jeans and canvas sneakers—practically a copy of what Lily was wearing.

He shot me a strange look. “Zoey, were you investigating Lily?”

I looked closely and thought Lily reminded me of myself when I was 18, especially when she was in those jeans and canvas sneakers.

I could see right through her little tricks. Still, I kept my mouth shut.

Rather than suspecting that I had investigated Lily, it felt more like someone had looked into Blake to find out what kind of woman he liked.

We had been together for ten years, but Blake didn’t even trust me when it came to a minor thing like this.

I pursed my lips, holding it in.

Blake chuckled and taunted, “No matter how you dress, you’re not 18 anymore. Zoey, what are you even trying to do?”

I blinked and stared at him. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.

“What about this?” Blake asked, licking his lips like this was just another deal. “Ten years. Name your price.”

I was stunned. I had been by his side for ten years, and I had even taken bullets for him.

Of everything we had been through, nothing had hurt like this.

I clenched my hands so tightly that my nails pierced through my skin.

Trembling, I asked, “Blake, what did you just say?”

“I said… I’ve wasted ten years of your youth, so name your price,” Blake replied, both hands in his pockets.

Even with a storm of emotions in his eyes, he still forced the words out.

After hearing his words, I nearly collapsed to the ground.

Lily tugged at Blake’s sleeve and said softly, “Blake, don’t be so harsh. Zoey didn’t even do anything wrong.”

Blake lowered his head, gently brushing her nose with his. “Be good. Listen to me.”

Then, he shielded her behind him. “I don’t care what it takes, but I won’t let you get hurt.”

Blake used to protect me like that, too.

I couldn’t bring myself to see that. Watching him now made my stomach churn.

I lowered my head, and that was when I saw the silver bracelet on my wrist.

When he first gave me that bracelet, it fit so well as if it were meant for me.

However, the more I loved him, the looser it became.

Chapter 4 Peace and Happiness I still remembered that there had been a flu outbreak in Grayford in my second year with Blake.

The mortality rate was three percent.

I had a weak immune system, so I was forcibly quarantined.

My vision was hazy and burning, yet I could still see Blake’s face appear in front of me.

For a moment, I thought I was dreaming.

Grabbing his hand, I called out in a hoarse voice, “Blake, I miss you so much. Is this the last time I’ll ever see you?”

Each day, I was only conscious for a few minutes.

Blake had never cried in front of me before. That day, though, he wept like crazy.

He was just some punk. No one knew how he had managed to sneak in, but he had somehow gotten into the school as a volunteer.

He checked from Block A to Block C before finally spotting my name on the quarantine list.

I scolded Blake for being reckless, telling him not to risk his life just to take care of a severely ill patient like me.

However, he didn’t listen. He simply slipped a silver bracelet onto my wrist.

He said, “Happy birthday, Zoey.”

We were so broke that year.

Just one silver ring in an accessories shop could keep us staring for ages.

I thought I wouldn’t live to see the next spring, but Blake still wished me a happy birthday that day.

That day, dogwood petals fluttered past the window of the quarantine ward.

Later, I found out that the silver bracelet had been made from the childhood charm bracelet Blake used to wear when he was a kid.

Blake said, “Zoey, I won’t die. No matter how bad it gets, I can still take it. So you should promise me you’ll live a peaceful, happy life.”

That silver bracelet stayed on my wrist for nine years.

It was a trace Blake had left on me in our youth.

Back then, I thought my life and Blake’s could stay intertwined, just like that silver bracelet, melted and remade into one.

It was Blake who had given me peace and joy.

And now, that silver bracelet didn’t fit me anymore.

Gritting my teeth, I yanked it off, even when my wrist turned red from the friction.

Panicked, Blake stubbed out the cigarette. His eyes were bloodshot as he asked, “Zoey, what the hell are you trying to do?”

I frowned, holding back the tears that were already welling in my eyes.

It was Blake who had asked me to name a price.

Now that I had given him my answer, he couldn’t accept it.

“Blake, let’s just—”

“Don’t say it!”

He rushed forward and wanted to cover my mouth, but Lily stopped him.

Wearing a faint smile, a single drop of tear streamed down my cheek. “I was never the one who clung…”

As I stopped speaking, I threw the twisted silver bracelet into the fish pond outside.

At that moment, ripples spread across the green water.

Blake rushed to the edge of the pond. The rain was pouring and soaking through his clothes, but he didn’t care and dropped to his knees.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t even spot a glint of silver.

Seeing how anxious he was, I almost jumped into the water just to pull that bracelet out with my own hands.

The pain in my chest only grew stronger.

What was this supposed to mean? Did he still have a place for me in his heart?

Those memories with Blake for the past ten years flashed before my eyes like a reel of film.

The heartache left me numb, and I was struggling to breathe.

All of this was just for that one birthday wish from years ago. I told myself it was worth it.

However, no matter how hard it was for me to walk away from the past, everything was over.

It was still drizzling. As I stepped into the rain, it felt like I had left part of my soul behind.

Blake came running after me with an umbrella in his hand.

His clothes reeked of smoke, and the hand he placed on my shoulder wasn’t one I could brush off so easily.

“Zoey, let me walk you home.”

I didn’t look back.

Lily stepped into the puddle, walking toward us. Her hair was completely wet, and her face was pale.

At that moment, she looked vulnerable. “Blake, are you just going to abandon me here?”